Worthy

This is the story of how I went from a fulltime position

with a school district,

and became a fulltime spiritual entrepreneur. 

I was called to the office of my supervisor for a follow up discussion that began weeks ago. 

I could feel the heat radiate from my face as his words hung in the air like a polluted haze.

Several months ago I was encouraged to begin the process of preparing a presentation on the restructuring of the title and salary of my day job. It came during the busiest time for my department and I placed it on hold until I could really dedicate the time needed to put it all together. 

I spent weeks researching 8 other districts and how their departments were structured. I compiled their salary structures. I gathered previous job descriptions from HR and was told to write a new one outlining the work I did that was outside of my current job. I put together a compilation of work products to show things I’ve created and projects I was asked to partner on as evidence of the tasks I was doing that went above my current role. 

When I had everything ready to present, I scheduled a meeting with my boss. I initially felt things went well. He took a lot of notes and really seemed to be listening to what I was expressing. He said he needed to speak with the higher ups and would get back to me.

A week later he asked to sit down and informed me that he really loved my ideas for the department and would be moving forward with them. However, the timeline wouldn’t be until possibly July, which is the beginning of our next fiscal year. That we had to consider the optics of it and that what I had asked for was a large increase. Mind you, what I proposed was still BELOW the average of the 8 other districts I’d researched. We spoke at length about this and many times he reiterated that, “I’m sure this isn’t what you’re wanting to hear.” 

At one point I asked, “If the roles were reversed, how would this conversation make you feel?” He told me that he wouldn’t feel valued for what he does and would probably look for a job elsewhere. 

I left his office that day feeling defeated and wondering why I was asked to start this process to begin with. I immediately applied for another position that had opened up within our district.  This was a job that I was very familiar with and had a lot of experience in. That evening I replayed the conversation over and over in my mind. “We have to consider the optics.” “What you’re asking for is too much.” I could think of a dozen positions off the top of my head that were restructured or the rate of pay was changed over the last several years.

I couldn’t help but to think of all of the dreams I put on hold to be able to do what was needed at my job. How I had stretched the capacity of my energy and health for this position and let my own passions and calling of my soul fall to the wayside.

The next morning I set about typing up an email that outlined all of the reasons that I truly felt now was a better timeline considering the demands of the position knowing that July is the busiest time of the year for our department. I also spent the morning pulling up old contracts of positions that were changed or the rates that were increased to show documentation that this wasn’t a new out of the box concept. I charted the increase in salaries to show that what I was asking for was not above what had been done for others. Believing wholeheartedly that this was the right and fair thing, I hit send.

We met again on the same day I interviewed for the other position. My boss told me he appreciated the work I did to put all of this information together. He told me he would take it again to those above him. I asked if he believed what I was asking for was unreasonable or unfair. I was assured that it was absolutely reasonable. He told me he felt pretty confident that he would be able to at the minimum get approval for a rate change while working on the eventual restructuring that he said he would move forward with regardless if I was still in that role or not. He wished me well in my interview and told me he would get back with me as quickly as possible to try and have an answer before a decision was made for the position I was leaving to interview for.

Later that afternoon I walked into the interview feeling empowered. This is the most I have ever advocated for myself in this way. I had performed many of the duties for this new role for several years earlier in my time with the district. I knew and had worked with almost everyone on the interviewing panel. I felt confident in my answers and relaxed with those asking the hard questions. I was told they would be making a decision in the next couple of weeks.

Before each meeting and interview I prayed to have a sense of calm, to be able to have clarity in my words and to release the outcome to the universe for my highest happiness. I would check in with my intuition and using various divination tools, I always received the answer for a positive outcome for the position I was currently in. My therapist tells me that, “Patience can be uncomfortable.” I can verify that. The unknown and not knowing what comes next is where anxiety goes for fuel. Being in the place of wanting answers and trusting that spirit is always working in your favor makes for some long and sleepless nights.

A week had passed since my interview. I was informed by the department director that although I interviewed really well and would have been a great fit, that the interviewing panel had decided to go with someone else. He told me that he had to trust the decision of his team and that he really wanted me to be part of his department in the future.

I felt a sense of calm as it wasn’t where I felt I was truly supposed to be. That calmness dissipated once I discovered that the person chosen had half of the experience that I possessed and that their rate of pay was above what I was told was possible for that position. I have no information about the decision process, just my own feelings, and the perception that the same rules don’t apply to everyone. I don’t want to discredit the person chosen. I sincerely wish them well in this new role and hope they prosper and find joy in their position.

In the background of this day job saga, I was feeling pulled to work on my business. To pick up the dreams that I had placed on hold. To finally update the things on my website that were unfinished or “good enough for now.” I arranged to hire my son who had just finished a website design class as part of his bachelors program. The night of our first brainstorming session and zoom call I discovered my website was gone. Nothing seemed to work. In my panic I searched my emails for any indication of what could be going on. It was then I learned that the renewal for my domain and hosting site was not set to auto renew as I had believed. It had expired in August and here we were in the later half of October. All this time and I wasn’t ever aware. My focus and energy had been spent supporting the long hours that my job currently required. 

I reached out to their customer support to see if there was anything that could be done. Unfortunately, my account was pending deletion and there was no way to recover it. Five years of work, gone. Five years of pouring myself into blog posts that no longer exist. It’s an odd sense of grief to feel over something you couldn’t even hold in your hands, but it was a piece of me that was gone without my consent.

I took a few days to process what was gone and come to a place of understanding that the universe was removing something that was no longer supporting the path I’m headed to allow space to create something new. Instead of trying to fit all of the components I was trying to build into something that was already existing, I was now presented with the opportunity to build the foundation from the bottom up. I still mourn for the moments captured in time with the words I had written. At the same time I recognize that version of me has grown and healed so much that it’s as though we are almost two different people. Who I am now no longer fits into the constraints that version of me had created for myself.

The week before Halloween, I learned that some friends of mine were hosting a workshop. It had been two to three years since I had signed up for any type of class or program. I missed it. I missed the sense of community. I missed the communion that occurs when gathered in spaces like this. I signed up.

It’s always funny to me how spirit works sometimes. When I logged in to view the workshop material, it was structured exactly how I’d been envisioning some of the material I was creating. It was hosted using a platform that I wasn’t previously aware of. I started researching all of the possibilities of this platform and it appeared to be everything I was looking at integrating into my previous website, all in one place. It was exciting! Then I looked at the price and that’s where my adventure ended for the day. I didn’t even have my domain name anymore and was still checking daily to see when I could purchase it again. 

The live portion of the workshop was so lovely. The energy, those gathered together, familiar faces of people who had been such an integral part of my journey. It was a small piece of what felt like home in my heart. It was a reawakening to parts of me I had set down in the last few years. 

During part of this workshop we did an abundance ritual using a candle, some herbs, crystals and a beautiful intentional prayer. I set my intention for an abundance of joy, abundance with my business, and financial abundance. I felt a sense of peace and surrender wash over me as all of the different things regarding my job played through my mind. I couldn’t explain it. It was just an overwhelming feeling that everything will work out and that things will be ok. Did I mention that my husband had been laid off due to his company being bought and had been out of work for the last six weeks? 

I left that sacred space feeling rejuvenated. Heart filled. Connected. Excited to begin this next chapter of my business and what I would be co-creating with spirit.

What I wasn’t prepared for was what came next.

Two days after that workshop, I had a follow-up meeting with my boss. It was scheduled at 8:00 am. For an hour that morning I watched the clock. Answering emails. Sorting through the papers on my desk. Anything to make the minutes pass more quickly. When the time came, I walked down the hallway recalling the sense of peace I had felt just days before. Holding the prayer that whatever the answer that it would be in alignment for my highest happiness and that my words would come clearly.

He pulled all of the documents I had gathered for him, including the one that outlined all of the duties I performed that are not currently in my job description. The first words said were, “We’re not moving forward with this at this time. I really like the idea you have presented and am looking at implementing it in another department with time.” I asked what his timeline was and was told possibly spring.

I could feel the heat radiate from my face as his words hung in the air like a polluted haze. A knot began to form in my stomach as I asked what duties he would like me to stop in the meantime. I watched in disbelief as he quickly reassigned each thing listed between him and his assistant. Even projects I had created and collaborated with other departments on now had another name written next to them. He then stated that the other person in my department would be informed of who these duties were assigned to so that they would go to them for questions instead of me. This would, “Lighten my plate.”

Part of me was listening as my duties were being unraveled before me. Another sat in disbelief. What about the answers I got from spirit? Why was I asked to start this process only to get to here? Where was the sense of peace?

I could feel the anger sting my eyes as I informed my boss that I would be looking elsewhere. “How do I move forward here when I am not valued,” I asked him. I then thanked him for his time and walked back to my office.

This entire interaction took eleven minutes.

Eleven minutes was all it took to turn everything upside down.

The tears began to betray my stoic resolve as they left my eyes and rolled down my face. I just couldn’t reconcile what I believed to be true and trusted in spirit with what I was just presented. 

I immediately started looking at various job openings. I reached out to a contact with the county and asked that they keep their eyes open for me for another position. No matter how much I willed them to stop, the tears just kept coming. I was angry. Angry at this entire situation. All I wanted to do was go home and work on my website and update my resume. 

I had my weekly therapy appointment scheduled for later that morning. I was already emotional and feeling incredibly vulnerable so at 9:00 o’clock I turned on my automatic replies, sent my boss an email that I was leaving for the day, and went home.

The entire drive home I played those eleven minutes over in my head. I felt such disbelief. Such betrayal by my own intuition and connection to spirit. Some kind of psychic I am! “I just don’t understand,” was repeated over and over on the phone call to my husband. I couldn’t stay at work. I didn’t want to give them the ability to witness my emotional torment.

I walked into my home office, my sanctuary, determined to figure it all out. 

In the stillness of this space I was able to take a breath and collect myself. A sense of pride began to grow within me. I cannot recall another instance in my life where I have stood so firmly in my own worthiness.

I’ve spent most of my life searching. Searching for signs of my worth, to feel valued. To be told and truly believe I am enough and that I matter.

It’s taken a lot of inner work to find that the voice I was missing was mine. For the first time I stood up for myself. I fought for myself. I felt love and compassion for myself. I was willing to use my voice to speak up for myself and knew that out growing a space didn’t diminish my value or worth. 

I am worthy because I believe it to be so. I am worthy even when others can’t see it. I am worthy and for once do not need a source outside of myself to validate that. 

In the days since discovering that my website was gone, I spent a lot of time in meditation with spirit determining my next steps forward. Would the business name I had been given 7 years ago by spirit continue on? Was it time for a change? Would my moniker still be A Spiritually Guided Life? 

I had several options to choose from. One of which seemed to stand out above the others. It felt right. It felt destined. So, I claimed it as my own and registered this new domain name. All the while checking daily for my previous one to be available again. We were old friends at this point and I couldn’t just let it go. The minute I saw it was available I made sure to register it again, and I did so for the next three years. 

Sitting in front of my computer screen I felt called to write about my new found worth and the events that had just taken place. I emailed some recent clients asking if they would be willing to write a testimonial for my new site. I looked at the time and my therapy appointment was about to begin.

Her friendly and comforting face appeared on the screen and the tears began to fall. I recounted the morning’s upheaval and by the time I was done, I found my face buried firmly in the palm of my hands. 

“Where do I go from here? How do I sit in a meeting the very next day with so many members of leadership who just determined that what I offered was of such little value?”

“It sounds as though your time there is at an end.” I could feel the truth in these words. I told her how I’d been looking at other positions through the county. There were a few administrative assistant positions open that I knew I was more than qualified for. 

“I just don’t want to spend my life arguing about tax withholdings and account codes. I don’t know that I have the desire in me to start over.”

I quoted a testimonial that was emailed to me moments before my session:

“Through her words, my parents' personalities and essence came alive again, which was incredibly comforting. I left with a deep sense of peace, reassured and connected to their memory in a new way.”

“This! This is what I want to do with my life. This is my heart, my passion. This is where I find joy.”

“You have been talking about doing this for all of the years we’ve worked together. When are you going to trust and take the leap?”

“I’m scared. What if I fail?”

“What happens if you fail?”

“I’ll feel as awful as I do now, only more so. It would mean I wasn’t enough, that I wasn’t good enough.”

“I think the fact that you have clients that continue to come back to you proves that you are.”

“I’m afraid. How do I trust in myself? I don’t want to let down those that believe in me so much.”

She pauses as I continue to hold my hands in my face. The tears almost uncontrollable. I take a deep breath and look up at the monitor. 

“It’s time to stop worrying about how you’ll disappoint others. How will you disappoint yourself,” she says to me with a comforting yet poignant tone. 

“By not showing up to begin with,” I replied while trying in vain to wipe the tears from my eyes.

When our time ended, I was emotionally exhausted. Eyes swollen. I emerged from my office battleworn and suddenly starving.

I walked down the hall to find my husband. We spoke at length about everything that had occurred in the last four hours. At one point he looked me in my weary eyes and said, “I strongly feel that as soon as I have another job lined up that you should quit and dedicate your time to your business.” “I would love to but what if I can’t do it?”

Without hesitation he says to me, “I believe in you. You have so much ambition. Just think if you had eight hours a day to dedicate to your business and to helping others in a way that you’ve been wanting to for so long. I know you’d be incredibly successful and that there’s no limit to what you’ll be able to do.” I hugged him and thanked him for always believing in me. 

I returned to my office with some much needed lunch and just stared at my computer screen. It was almost as though I was trying to will it to tell me what to do. Trying to process all that had happened with all of the signs and messages I’d been given. The words of my therapist and my husband replayed on a loop in my head. Feeling suddenly determined, I decided to go straight to the source. I closed the curtains, selected the music, and settled in for a long meditation. 

As I began slowing my breath to relax my mind and body, I set the intention to find guidance on my next steps. Was it time to say goodbye to my day job and put my energy fully into my own dream?

I laid there for what seemed like eternity. Visions of packing up my desk at work kept flashing before me. I couldn’t tell in that moment if these were coming from me because of the events of the day or if this was guidance coming from spirit. I surrendered to the process and just allowed whatever came through without questioning. “It’s time,” I hear.

I felt a sudden sense of peace wash over me like a blanket still warm from the dryer. 

I keep waiting for more, for some other guidance or guide to appear, but nothing comes. 

I stay in this space of calm and stillness for some time until in the final moments of my time with spirit I hear, “You’ve been given the tools, now it’s time to fly.” 

I had my answer.

I KNEW that once my husband had found another job that it was time to let go of my day job to build with spirit a dream I’ve put on hold for far too long. 

He was offered a job that same afternoon.

The next day, I returned to work completely resolved in my decision. Three sentences typed out on district letterhead was all it took to bring 8.5 years to a close. I hit print and signed my name. For an hour I looked at that letter on my desk. I knew with certainty that it was the right thing but my nerves are not made of steel. Anxiety was my companion as I waited for my boss to arrive. 

Once he was settled I mustered up my confidence and made my way down the short hallway that suddenly seemed to double in length. I walked into his office and said, “Here is my resignation. My last day will be Wednesday. I’m here to process payroll and then I’m done.” He sighed. A look of defeat seemed to appear on his face. “I understand. I’m sorry to lose you, but I understand.”

“I have to choose myself and it’s time to invest in me.” I hand him my letter and turn to head back to my desk. I felt such a huge sense of relief. It was done. 

The next few days went quickly. I finished up projects and made sure my coworker was caught up to speed on things I wouldn’t be able to complete before my departure. I answered any questions they had and did everything I could to make sure everything was left as good as possible.

On my last day, as I drove to work, I was greeted by the mountains that were part of my daily commute for the last several years. The sun kissed the mountain peaks as the world began to wake. “Feeling Good,” by Nina Simone played on Pandora. Her words, “It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me. And I’m feeling good,” sweetly pierced the morning haze. 

I couldn’t help but to reflect on the many different versions of me that have existed in this space for the last 8.5 years. In the beginning I was a woman with a secret afraid to truly share who I was for fear of ridicule and judgment. I worked to refine my spiritual gifts, took classes, began to slowly test the waters by sharing my gifts with a trusted few. 

Eventually I grew in my bravery and became a coach for others learning to connect to their own intuition. People I worked with would suddenly find themselves connected to their grandparents or mother while sitting in the chair on the other side of my desk. By the time I out grew that space I was doing regular energy clearings for the principal’s office. 

When I made the change to my current role, I was still timid. I had grown comfortable and felt accepted in my last site. What if I was too much or too odd to find the same acceptance here? Before I knew it the spirits of this more than 100 year old building were making themselves known. This lead to many conversations and readings from spirit with many of my new coworkers. 

Fast forward to today where I’m leaving the security of a job I no longer fit in to step into the role that spirit has been preparing all along. And I do so with the most confidence I’ve ever felt. I wear who I am proudly! 

The day went quickly and ended as everyday had before that. I clocked out for the last time as I said my final goodbyes. On the way out I stopped to thank the building that helped me truly realize my worth and marked the moment with a parking lot selfie. 

Here’s to a new adventure. An adventure where I choose myself. I choose my connection with spirit. An adventure where I choose to trust the absolute Divine timing of the Universe. 

With love and gratitude, 

Amy